"...When laughter first manifests itself in the infant, it is an incipient cry...What if everything in the world were a misunderstanding, what if laughter were really tears?" -Soren Kierkegaard
I'm fun lovin' and enjoy spending time talking to my friends. I enjoy long walks at night and hey, even near Branson you can still see some of the stars! There is more to me than meets the eye.
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Is very important to me. I don't really know why, but I just care a lot about what people think about me. The Bible even talks a little about reputations. Proverbs 22:1 says, "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold (KJV)". The reason I am writing about this is because of a mistake I made a year ago. I was pursuing a young lady and in doing so I became controlling and just a plain jerk. Well, that relationship didn't work out and now I am in a blooming relationship with a wonderful young woman. However, just as in all relationships, there are misconceptions and misunderstandings that have caused some problems lately. When my girlfriend, Becka, was struggling with being lonely due to my packed schedule, she happened to mention to a concerned friend what was wrong. This turned into a huge discussion invovling many people, most who barely know me and never talk to me. The outcome was that all but one said something about me that was true a year ago, but now is not a part of my life. They all have a bad opinion of me now. Frankly I don't blame them. I just wish those who don't know me, and have only heard the rumors of what I was would take the time to get to know me and see exactly who I am now. It is funny becuase I am exactly the opposite of these accustations, not just according to me but according to those who have taken the time to get to know me. I guess the most insulting thing about it is those who claim to be my friends to my face, and ask me for favors, which I do gladly, and later on slam my character in front of others who don't know me and thus further ruin what little character I have in their eyes. It is interesting how many people seem to have a bad opinion of me. It kind of reminds me of King David. In the Bible he often cries out to God asking Him to help him becuase of people who are seeking to ruin his reputation and take all he has. Now I am not saying that I am equal to King David. He is a much better man than I will ever be. Yet, I know now how it feels to find those who secretly don't like you and don't hesitate to tell others when the time comes. I know all I can do is pray for these people, and seek to understand why they say these things, respect their opinions, and not follow their example on judging people without getting to know them first.
theweeper
Now I don't mean just Christmas. It only comes once a year while the instance I'm refering to comes several times a year. It is the time when you realize you are trying to please the unpleaseable. You know who I'm talking about. It could be a family member, a boy/girlfriend, or even your own self. Kind of gets old doesn't it. Most of us have someone in our lives who we can't seem to please? They judge you based on the past, or the present, or even where you plan to go for the future. My mom is like that. Now before you think I should go on Oprah and slam my mom I should start out saying that I am not perfect. I am a human being, which translated means I will fail, sometimes majorly and sometimes not. The thing is my mom is always there to point it out for me. I am now 21 and am trying to learn how you interact with your parents in a respectful way, while keeping yourself from being completely submissive to their beck and call. I was raised to always be respectful and to never say how I felt if it would offend or disappoint my mother. Now she didn't conciously tell me this, but this is how it was. It really didn't matter how I felt, I was the child and she was the parent and I was to obey her no matter what. She always liked to use that line from the Bible, "Children obey your parents." However she always forgot the next verse, "Fathers do not provoke your children to wrath." I fought with mom today about the boundaries that she shouldn't cross. It was over something stupid. The other day I was eating with my mom, dad, little sister, and girlfriend when the question of my internship came up. I had told them that I had not gotten the one I had wanted and was now stressed out from school and the need to find an internship. Mom started to ask questions to which I didn't know the answer and even though I told her this she just kept on asking! I asked her to change the subject as I was too stressed to worry about it at this time, but of course she kept on going! This irrateted me and now, as of today, she thinks that I was mad, and that I didn't show her respect. Funny how that works. It is frustrating because we had a very good conversation tonight for over 30 minutes before she brought this up and then pressured me into a conversation I didn't want to have. She intentionally angered me so she could blame my anger on me! I really don't know why she does this. However I do wish it would stop. This is the reason I dread Christmas. Last year I didn't go home becuase of a fight we had in October which led to me not being welcome at home. Now a year later I feel the same thing is about to happen again. So while everyone is getting ready to enjoy the season this year, I am wondering what will happen in the next few weeks. I realize that I am not perfect. I also realize that this is partly my fault. But I am trying to work with her and do all that she asks without giving up that which I know is true. If you all have any suggestions of things that could help I would definetly appreciate it.
theweeper
The oppurtunity of a lifetime awaits me. See, I need an internship in order to graduate college this May and I am being guided by our Career Center to seek my intership at the YMCA of the Rockies this summer. The main position I would apply for is the Chaplain's assistant. I would work to meet the spiritual needs of all the staff during the summer as well as other wonderful activites that would be useful for my major, Philosophy and Religion. I am really exictied to apply for this as I have never forgotten Colorado's mountains after spending a week there just over a year ago. To tell you the truth I have been anxiously awaiting my next oppurtunity to go back. And to think, here is my chance to do so for at least a summer with all necessary expenses paid! The only thing I'm worried about is whether or not it is God's will. You see I am so exictied I believe I would be heart broken if God decided to not let me go. So, I am praying for the grace to know his will and follow it. Is there a time in your life now where you are faced with the same circumstance? If so let me know so I can pray for you to! Well, the battery is about to die so I'd better go. Good night and God bless.
Remember when you were a child and your parents angered you enough for you to decided to make them pay by leaving? It is funny how parents know that you will change your mind, so some don't even bother to try to stop you. I remember that day. I don't even think I managed to pack my bags. You know what is funny about these memories? That while we can't seem to bring ourselves to run away from home as a child, we seem to easily be able to run away from God even after we are His children. Maybe it is becuase it doesn't take too much to really run away from him. All it takes is a consistent attitude towards commiting even the simplist of sins will cause you to start to stray from God's path. Sometimes we don't even realize how far we have strayed while other times we know exactly what we are doing. The coolest thing about this is that just like your parents took you back when you were a small child, God take you back no matter what and he does so unconditionally. Just like the parable about the prodical son and how he left with all his inheretance, wasting it on things that his father would have not approved of. Then, after he came to his senses, he returned to his father to beg to even be a servant. And yet his father welcomed him back as if his son was dead and celebrated him despite all he had done. There are so many people running away from home these days. Yet there are more running away from God. God will take you back, and if you have never come to him he will take you no matter what your past. May God's grace shine upon you and bring you the peace, hope, love, and everything else you find yourself needing in this life. Today is the day to find your home again, whether you have been there before or not. And the great thing is, home comes to you.
theweeper
Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"
The Door Stopper
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
In the Driver's Seat...
The Pope lands at an airport just in time to get to an important meeting. His limo driver speedily takes off, but the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting on time. The Pope asks the driver to switch places so the Pope can drive.
They speedily take off again, but unfortunately, the speeding car is stopped by a cop. The police officer takes one look at the situation and radios in to police headquarters. He tells the chief that he's got a pretty important person on his hands.
The police chief asked, "Is he more important than the mayor?"The cop said, "Yes."
Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the governor?"
The cop said, "Yes."
Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the President?"
The cop said, "Yes."
Finally, the chief asked, "How important can he be?"
The cop said, "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver."
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results. 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Hope this helped to brighten your day. I'll post more later this week.
"I am one of those who never knows the direction of my journey until I have almost arrived" --Anna Louise Strong.
I have been on a journey of a thousand miles that started last summer with a radical God and a radical plan. I used to believe in a form of grace which mis-represented a God of love as a God who wouldn't leave me to believe in that false grace. He took from me one of my closest friends and in doing so taught me what true grace is and how to walk in it. I thought my journey was done, however, God had other plans. He then began to test my faith in regards to walking in grace. This semeseter I am now being faced by another growth period in which God is teaching me how to live in grace. The main verse I have found during this period is John 1:4 which says, "In Him was life, and that life was the light of men". This has been what I have meditated on the last several days as I have been struggling with the loss of my best friend. The loss of my best friend is part of God's teaching tool since she was my main support and her encouragement and help prevented me from taking the fall that God wanted me to take. This journey, which I had thought I was done taking months ago, has continued down a path that I don't enjoy taking. Yet, in the midst of my suffering I have a strange peace as God promises to take care of me. The only regret that I have is the loss of my friend. God forgive me for not realizing where my journey was taking me and for the pain caused to me and others because of it.
All I can say is wow! It has been so long since I have had the time to even consider blogging on this thing. Which is okay since I know that I have been at least attempting to do good things such as school work. Speaking of school work I discovered a person that I want to be like from my prophets class. We are currently studying Isaiah and within this book it talks about two kings of the nation of Judah. Both are faced with the same exact problem and both are instructed by God and Isaiah to ask God for a sign to prove that He will protect His people. The kings are Ahaz and Hezekiah. Ahaz doesn't ask God for a sign, which is foolish not noble especially when God commanded him to question God, and because of this the people of Judah start experienceing some really tough times. However, Hezekiah does ask God for a sign like he is commanded and because of that Hezekiah and the people of Judah survive an enemies' invasion and are blessed by God. I was thinking about it after class and discovered that I am more like Ahaz and less than Hezekiah. The issue between these two kings is the issue of trust. Both Ahaz and Hezekiah trusted that God would protect them from the invading armies, but only Hezekiah trusted that God would allow him to ask Him a question to test Him and not destroy Him. My issue is also trust. Trusting God is really hard for me in the context of the unknown. This makes me to be a lot like king Ahaz. However, I would rather be like Hezekiah. I would rather be so close to and so trusting of God that I would not fear to question Him should He command it. Right now I am an Ahaz, but maybe someday soon I will become more like Hezekiah.
Since I last blogged. You know a lot can happen in just a few short days or even months that can change your whole outlook on life. Some things just shake your faith. This can be your faith in people, or pretty much anything for that matter. I am afraid that I will soon loose a very dear friend to me. Call it, intuition, but I have had some of these same signs happen before and I know what they signify. I have pretty much decided that I can't do anything about this friendship anymore except to give it all up to God. I hate doing that because, while it is the best and safest place for anything to be, it is also the scariest because you don't know if God will allow it to return to you or not. So with this I have been struggling the last few weeks. It gets harder each day because it feels like I am running away from the problem, but I am not. Who knows? Maybe I am just being ridiculous. Who knows? Anyways I realize this blog has fallen to the wayside in light of HUGE amounts of homework and ENORMOUS amounts of time haveing to be spent on just getting ready for the next day. I do seem to have a little bit more room time however so I willl definitly be keeping up on this regularly.
theweeper
P.S. Here are the lyrics to the song in my last blog so you can see what I am talking about.
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so f****ing far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
This is the title of a song from a band called "Blue October". The song expresses a man's wish for his mother to hate him after something tragic happens. His motive for her hating him is so she can ". . . finally see what's good for you." and so she can be, in his mind, better off. I must confess I feel that way sometimes about those I love the most. There are times I wish that those I love the most would come to hate me so they could forget me and then I wouldn't be able to hurt them anymore. I don't hurt them intentionally, but I somehow always dissappoint them, and that tares out my heart. I know that they will never hate me that way, but sometimes I feel that is the only way the will be able to the person they want to be. I don't want them to hate me, but it may be the only way for them to be truely happy. I know that it is wrong to believe that it is my fault for their unhappiness, but; I just can't convince myself sometimes that if they were without me then maybe, just maybe things would be better. This song says exactly how I feel about everything my family and I have gone through. Maybe that is why I feel the way I do.
theweeper
With all that has happened since I last blogged I feel like I have aged twenty years. My family has fallen apart. I have spent Christmas without the comfort of my family. All my friends are with their families celebrating in a way that I wish I could. I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I do have. Good friends support me and a certain friend has done all she could to make my Christmas the best ever. And she has done very well indeed. I am very thankful for the sacrifices she has made for me. I guess the worst part of it all is I am slowly yet surely becoming numb to all that goes on around me. I spend my days trying to forget my problems and spend my nights lying awake tormented by guilt that I am not sure I own. And the worry that accompanies that guilt is just a tormenting. It has become so bad that no matter which way I go, I can't make things better. Instead I can only choose the lesser of two evils. All the while I continue to wonder why. Why is God allowing such things to happen? I know there is a purpose, because there is also a strange sense of peace. But that doesn't end the wondering thoughts of my oppressed mind. In a way I feel like Job, only not quite as bad. I still have my health along with some very good, kind, caring, and wise friends. There are those who believe that I am only adding to the problem and by doing it on purpose causing others to feel sorry for me. I can assure you that while I am not perfect, I am not intentionaly causing more problems for myself. I no longer believe these problems will end soon. I feel that they will be a thorn in my side for years to come. I pray I am wrong, but this feeling feels like truth. Only time will tell.
Drowning, theweeper
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