"...When laughter first manifests itself in the infant, it is an incipient cry...What if everything in the world were a misunderstanding, what if laughter were really tears?" -Soren Kierkegaard
I'm fun lovin' and enjoy spending time talking to my friends. I enjoy long walks at night and hey, even near Branson you can still see some of the stars! There is more to me than meets the eye.
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"All I can say is that it hurts. I don't know what to do or how to go about doing it. I'm tired of being hurt and I don't understand what is going on." Have you ever felt like that? Everyone has those days, some more often than others, but everyone has them. God knows I have had my share of those days. In Proverbs King Solomon talks about trust. Now you may be wondering what trust has to do with being hurt. It has a lot to do with it. It seems that 9 times out of 10 you are hurt because you trusted someone with something and they didn't do what they said. That also seems to be the deepest wound that can be inflictid on you. This is because you genuinely trusted them and, well, they failed you. Sometimes it isn't a big deal, while other times this can be devestating. In Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;" I am convinced that there isn't a single person alive who hasn't struggled with this one. You know, when you are dealing with something that truely bothers you, don't you hate it when people quote this verse? You think, "If you were going through what I am you wouldn't be so quick to quote that verse." Admit it, I know there are days I wished I could make that person eat their own words. However, that is the best advice possible. Why you may ask? Honestly, because God is the only one you can trust completely. It is amazing how people get upset because you can't totally trust them when they know that they will let you down at some point or another. Jesus Christ is the only person worthy of all your trust because, while it may seem like He has let you down, He is the only one who can constantly keep your best interests in mind. While sometimes it is hard to trust Jesus, especially when something hurts so bad, you have to remember that you may not understand all that is going on at that paricular time. No one ever completely understands what Jesus may be doing at a particular time in their life, but all you have to do is trust Him. Please pray for me. I could really use a good dose of trust right now. Thank you for your prayers.
theweeper
There never seems to be enough time anymore for the things you love. I've been to Colorado, Alaska, and Canada recently as well as working two jobs equaling between 60 and 70 hours a week. I apologize for not blogging for the last month or so. I guess you can understand that time is precious and I'm in very short supply. I came across something that I thought you might enjoy so, I will put it here. It is a story about a young man in a trying part of his life. If you would pray for me for I am going through a lot right now and every prayer is another helping hand through the day.
theweeper
P.S. This is a true story.
The Unwanted Miracle
The joyous occasion had come. It was the day before Tim's ninth birthday and he was very excited. Tim couldn't wait to see what his mom and step-dad had gotten him! It was all he could do to contain himself! He decided to call his biological father, David, and ask if he could come over soon and spend some time with him. He soon found that his father wasn't home but was watching his other child play tee-ball at a nearby park. As Tim and his step-dad arrived at the park, Tim spotted his father over at another field. Quickly Tim ran to greet David with a hug and smile, but David didn't respond the same way. The smell of alcohol was in the air as David turned to see who was calling him. Tim quickly explained that he wanted to spend some time with David and asked when he could come to his father's house. David immediately started screaming at Tim and cursin him in every way imaginable. David screamed all kinds of insulting words and made all kinds of allegations stating how bad a son Tim was. Tom, Tim's step-dad, grabbed Tim by the arm and started taking him back towards their truck. David followed them all the way to the truck, screaming the entire time. The last thing Tim heard before the truck door slammed was David screaming, "I don't love you anymore! I don't want you in my family or in my life. Leave me alone!"
Devestated, Tim returned home thinking of all that David had said and believing that it was all his fault. "If only I was different my dad would love me," he thought. "If only I wasn't the way I am, maybe someone would love me."
Reflecting back on this point of time years later, Tim realized something that he had never noticed before. As he came to see this he also noticed that it didn't just happen at that certain point in time, but also at some of the other hard times in his life. Tim continued to think back into the past to see how these experiences affected him in his life. He thought about what his mother had said to him when he was just a young boy....
As a young boy, Tim's mother had told him that he was not supposed to be alive today. Tim, his curiosity peeked, asked why. After a moment his mother told him that when he was to be born the doctors had told her to get an abortion. Tim, now immensely curious, asked why. His mother looked at him and explained that because of her heart, giving birth could have killed her.
Life began for Tim in a very unusual way, and yet it was a sign of things to come in his young life. Affecting the deepest parts of his heart and soul, Tim's problems, numerous and perplexing, forever influenced his character.
Tim was born on Father's Day, 1986, in Sedilia, Missouri. His arrival brought joy to many people, all but his father. Drunk and abusive, his father was not the best man in the world. He would often yell and scream at Tim's mom. One of the things that left Tim insecure in life was the constant criticism by his father. Tim would try so hard to make his father proud, but it never seemed good enough. Tim's mother divorced his father when he was only three years old. Tim, his face an ocean of pain and tears, thought that it was all his fault. This affected Tim greatly as he went from being a toddler into a young boy.
At school Tim was never a popular boy. Ridiculed by his peers, Tim was often teased because of how he looked or acted. The constant poking of fun tore at Tim's heart as it reassured what he already thought: "Nobody loves me." Although his mother and stepfather did the best they could to help Tim throught these hard times, he slowly bottled up these feelings inside so that no one could see how much it really hurt him. He began to do poorly in school and became even less outgoing than before. Soon you couldn't even tell what Tim was thinking. And that's when things got serious.
This young boy, Tim, sank into a deep depression. He began to hear voices, not distant inaudible voices, but real voices. He would be in his bedroom and he would often hear someone say, "Tim." Tim would turn around thinking it was his mother, but there would be nobody there. The voices continued until they wer no longer just a pestilence, but they were dangerous. They would often tell Tim, "Nobody loves you. Why go on suffering? Kill yourself and the pain will stop." Sometimes Tim would be at the point of giving in when something would stop him. He had no idea why, but he just couldn't bring himself to do what the voices told him. So, he told his family what was happening and they sought professional help. Through intensive counseling and lots of medicine, Tim was soon back to normal, but still, from the back of his mind, occasionally the suggestion would come, "Nobody loves you."
...As Tim quietly reflected on his past, he began to recognize what that something was. It was a person, a diety, that ws with him that joyous night gone bad. But not just that night, no, but all the other times too. That person saw what was happening and knew how Tim was feeling like the many times before. But this time this person, Jesus, finally got through to Tim in a way that wasn't ever imagined by him. You see, Tim was a Christian, and he believed in God, but he didn't really know how to interact with God. Tim knew God loved him, but he couldn't comprehend just how that could be. That night, during the horrible pain afflictin Tim, Jesus wrapped His arms around Tim and whispered, "I love you!" And though it took years for Tim to truly comprehend what happened that night, Jesus never let him down. In the years after that night Jesus became more than just a friend for Tim; He became a counselor, teacher, brother, and father figure. Although Tim never truly had a good father-son relationship, he looked to God, the ultimate father, and saw a love that would never betray him. Jesus took Tim, the boy who felt unwanted, and filled him with a love that made Tim realize that he was wanted. In a way the "unwanted miracle" went through a transformation to a "loved miracle." Although Tim's life wasn't a happy ever after, he always knew that he belonged to God, and that was where he got his value.
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