My Lamentations

"...When laughter first manifests itself in the infant, it is an incipient cry...What if everything in the world were a misunderstanding, what if laughter were really tears?" -Soren Kierkegaard

"To all who are weary...

and those who are heavy laden.  Lay at the feet of the one who loves you best.  Bring all of your trials and all of your tribulation.  Come unto me and I will give you rest..." 

     These are the words to a song by a Christian artist who calls himself Big Daddy Weave.  Lately these words have been running through my mind as my world spins ever faster and as my spirit and body give into exhaustion.  I have become physically ill with a mysterious sieries of chest pains as well as sharp headaches.  My spirit is battling daily with personal and public issues.  My mind seems to have stopped working at times and I have noticed, especially tonight, a stronger tendency to be deslexsic.  Not only that but my spelling is a lot worse than usual (LOL).  My spirit is now longing for one thing only.  Rest.  I long to lay at the feet of Jesus and rest.  I don't care anymore if He touches me with His hand, all I want is to be able to lay at His feet.  You know it seems that lately all I have been able to do is hurt the ones I love.  No matter what I do I hurt my friends and frankly I'm sick of it.  I have been sorely tempted to just disappear.  I know that isn't the answer, and I know of a few friends who would hunt me down, but sometimes I can't get past the thought that they may be better off without me.  It is funny how you hurt the ones you love the most.  I have people who think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, except for the fact that every few days I hurt them.  Maybe I'm just a jerk.  Most of the time I think it is the fact that I am hurting and can't get past my own problems to be considerate of them and their problems.  Not only have I hurt my friends, but I've even managed to make my mother mad at me.  She has this tendecy to guilt trip me into doing what she wants me to do.  Since I have been having health problems she told me to lay off the caffinee.  I dropped from 3 glasses of soda a day to 1 glass in one day.  When she asked me yesterday if I had soda I told her I had one glass and she got angry with me.  So, I respectfully told her that I was proud at my accomplishment and that she should be to and, well, she didn't take that to well and now even her messages have a tint of anger to them.  I know she is just worried about me, but I wish she would be proud of my accomplishments instead of pointing out my failures.  I hoped she would say, "Good job! Now get down to no soda a day!"  Instead of, "(Sigh) I told you....."   I almost even decieded to stop telling people when I didn't feel good and the pain came back because it would worry them.  I have one friend( to whom I thank God for every day) who hasn't slept much lately because she has been worrying about me.  While it makes me feel good to know that she cares so much it also makes me feel bad when I see her in tears because she knows I'm hurting and she can't help.  All in all, I just want rest.  I know that a lot of you do to.  If you read this and are having a hard time in your life please post a comment so I can pray for you.  It helps when you are praying for others since you aren't concentrated on yourself.  And remember, if you are having a hard time right now and want some rest, seek the feet of Jesus.  There is no better place to lay down and rest. 

theweeper

posted by: theweeper at July 18, 2006 22:07 | link | comments (3) |

I suppose

That most of you are wondering what has happened to me.  Well, I have been working my tail off for the past 8 weeks and it seems bearly have the time to stop and breath.  I am spending less and less time in my room as my life becomes more and more complicated and to tell you the truth I kind of like the business.  The only thing I don't like is the fact that I don't have the time to do the things I love anymore.  Reggie, I know it is a sin but I haven't even had time to truely enjoy a cup of coffee like we used to.  I see less and less of my friends it seems and because I'm so busy they find other things to do so when I am off of work sometimes it is hard to get togethor with them.  My body is also telling me that I need to slow down.  I have been having some chest pains for the last two and a half weeks.  The doctors are running all sorts of tests because, well, my mother has a history of heart trouble.  The friends I work with seem a little worried about me, but there is one particular friend that worries a lot about me.  I can't even hide when I'm not feeling good because she can pick up on this.  When it comes to the pain, I do wish to hide it, but at the same time I also wish for people to at least ask if I'm okay.  Some of my closest friends don't even know what is going on or care for that matter, at least that is how it seems.   While I don't really care if people are worried, it is nice to have someone who cares enough to ask.  Oh, well, on a happier note, school starts in about 5 weeks and while I really don't want to go back to the grind of classes everyday and homework everynight, I am excited to see the friends I haven't seen all summer.  Also since I will be in school things will slow down a little bit because I will quite working off campus and that will allow a lot of extra time.  This, however, is the reason for my lack of blogging for the last month or so.

posted by: theweeper at July 15, 2006 09:33 | link | comments |