My Lamentations

"...When laughter first manifests itself in the infant, it is an incipient cry...What if everything in the world were a misunderstanding, what if laughter were really tears?" -Soren Kierkegaard

When will it cease...

With all that has happened since I last blogged I feel like I have aged twenty years.  My family has fallen apart.  I have spent Christmas without the comfort of my family.  All my friends are with their families celebrating in a way that I wish I could.  I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I do have.  Good friends support me and a certain friend has done all she could to make my Christmas the best ever.  And she has done very well indeed.  I am very thankful for the sacrifices she has made for me.  I guess the worst part of it all is I am slowly yet surely becoming numb to all that goes on around me.  I spend my days trying to forget my problems and spend my nights lying awake tormented by guilt that I am not sure I own.  And the worry that accompanies that guilt is just a tormenting.  It has become so bad that no matter which way I go, I can't make things better.  Instead I can only choose the lesser of two evils.  All the while I continue to wonder why.  Why is God allowing such things to happen?  I know there is a purpose, because there is also a strange sense of peace.  But that doesn't end the wondering thoughts of my oppressed mind.  In a way I feel like Job, only not quite as bad.  I still have my health along with some very good, kind, caring, and wise friends.  There are those who believe that I am only adding to the problem and by doing it on purpose causing others to feel sorry for me.  I can assure you that while I am not perfect, I am not intentionaly causing more problems for myself.  I no longer believe these problems will end soon.  I feel that they will be a thorn in my side for years to come.  I pray I am wrong, but this feeling feels like truth.  Only time will tell.

Drowning, theweeper

posted by: theweeper at December 25, 2006 18:59 | link | comments |